In the spirit of keeping this space real, true and my authentic self, I need to let you [old blog readers] know why I stopped writing, without even so much as a warning.
I got super depressed, and here are the events that I allowed to take control of my well-being.
When we moved California in August 2015, I was psyched to blog from my new kitchen, post beach workouts, talk about all the fun adventures I was having, plus so much more. In reality, though, life was chaotic. The first six months of 2015 were so amazing! (You can see a recap of my year here.) I was on a super high from life and ecstatic that after nearly a year of looking, my fiancé and I had found a condo that we felt was good enough to put an offer.
But, if I’m being honest, the month of June wasn’t all rainbows and butterflies. The same weekend we put an offer in on the condo, my mom told me she was going to leave my dad. My heart hurt and I felt heavily burdened with such a secret, as I love my parents equally the same and always thought they’d live happily ever after. Life had to go on, though. So much was about to happen and I needed to push forward. (Ha. Wrong. Well, life did go on but the secret + divorce situation never left my mind until my dad found out, and even then, it was just a different kind of hurt and pain.)
July was jammed full of activity: I was still working my regular job, we went on our yearly trip to Canada, A’s brother visited from Qatar and their father from AZ, and I was packing up our house for the move. I was so completely and utterly stressed out from all the things that I was desperate for the day we would close on the condo and could finally leave Nevada. In a way, I thought leaving Nevada would let go of all the stress I was holding on to.
Finally, it was August!
We drove to California on a Saturday, unloaded the moving truck on Sunday and A had to fly back to Vegas Monday because he had court hearings all week. I worked my ass off the whole week trying to put the whole house together and get rid of all the packing boxes. A got home late Thursday night from Vegas (he drove our car out) and we relaxed on Friday. Saturday, we drove to San Diego where A had a storage unit and literally as we were loading the moving truck up, my dad called and asked how long I’d known mom was going to leave.
Trigger immediate emotion overflow! I was so mentally exhausted, still, from the entire month before, and absolutely physically fatigued from literally packing, moving and unpacking for the last week straight. A had to go back to Vegas again the following week, so I busied myself with trying to put the final touches on everything and prepare for our first of many guests over the next couple months.
That was pretty much how the first two months went. A would come home on a Thursday night, we’d have company for the weekend and then they’d leave, A would leave for court hearings in Vegas, I’d tidy the house and we’d do it all over again. I was sad each time A left for Vegas. I was sad that I’d left my friends and job in Vegas. I was sad about my parents, and I was sad I didn’t have any new friendships in California. I felt guilty that I wasn’t loving every minute that I was living in California, because ummmm, well, it’s Southern California! 😉 However, the saying, “Home is where the heart is,” or however it goes, has never rang more true for me. The other half of my heart was constantly leaving, and it was taxing on our relationship.
I tried to find happiness every day, but I was too far gone and soon starting regretting our move.
Instead of being excited and happy each weekend A came home, I was sad and depressed. I felt like we’d made the wrong decision and wished we could turn back. I didn’t like the choices we’d made and desperately needed to escape. I was constantly living in the past
That’s about when I stopped writing. I was so upset I could no longer “act” okay, even if it was just over the internet in blog posts. After all, if somebody was coming to my website to read about essential oils, yoga or fitness, then they shouldn’t have to hear about my hard day, right?
I felt so isolated and so alone and like nobody could understand where I was coming from ( … and I’m still not sure anybody really did, but that’s alright). We went to Oregon to visit A’s mom (as she was recovering from open heart surgery) and it was a nice escape from CA. We got back and I knew I had to get back into teaching fitness, and finally started scouting for places to teach at. I had an interview just minutes after we discovered A’s mom suffered a stroke (so thankful that to this day, she is wow-ing the doctors and recovering extremely well).
I went back to Vegas two separate weeks with A, took a weeklong trip to Kansas to visit my family and toward the end of November, started to feel like my “normal” self again. As A and I were driving back from our Thanksgiving holiday in AZ, I read my friend Katie’s blogpost: currently. This was the first sentence of her entry, “reading… the life changing magic of tidying up (SO recommend!!)”, and I was intrigued. I looked into the book a little more, and was sold.
<—Get it on Amazon Prime! Affiliate link.
I began teaching the first week of December, and rearranged/redecorated/decluttered our condo. I cleaned out every drawer and all the closets. I got rid of all the shit that we hadn’t used since moving (or maybe even before) and it felt so damn good! I kept purging ‘stuff’ while maximizing our living spaces and only keeping the things and decor pieces that made me feel happy. When A came home that week, he loved what I had done. I was excited for life again, and things started looking up! I knew our dad’s would be in town for the holidays soon, and that there was going to be a lot of excitement in 2016. I secured the new domain name (jessicapaugh.com) because I knew I wanted to be able to write and just be me. I don’t want to worry about posting only about essential oils or just yoga or only fitness … I want to write about all that and more! I want to share the all the pieces of my life, the good, bag, ugly and sad, and hopefully change some lives in the process.
So, there you have it. I stopped blogging because life got cray and I felt like I couldn’t express my true and authentic self on my old blogging platforms. Now I will blog about whatever in the hell I want/am feeling because as the domain name suggests, this is a blog about Jessica Paugh. 😉
If you’d be so kind, please head over to my new Facebook fan page and click ‘Like’. Maybe you’ll even choose to to get ‘Posts in Newsfeed’ and select the option ‘See First’. Thank you! —-> Facebook page is right here!